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TOP (PROTON) GUN
By Kevin Kemarly
Outside
The worn baseball landed with a
soft thud and a bounce, on the drying brown grass. A small five-year-old boy followed and
scooped it into his baseball glove with his right hand. He gazed through the chain link gate that
separated his backyard from the front at the empty driveway. Under his
“Don’t worry George,” his mother reassured him as she came onto their wooden patio. “He’ll be home in time to go to the game.”
Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Boogeyman: he found those things so easy to believe in, yet he could not bring himself to believe her.
Tired of running after the ball, George began to throw the ball high into the air. His third attempt put him in perfect viewing position as a pair of F-15e’s roared overhead. As his mouth stood agape, the baseball landed with a soft thud and a bounce.
The Airspace over
The screaming jet engines of two of the 501st Flying Phantoms pierced the tranquil skies on their search for their target...
“Phantom two, this is haunted house, come in” The voice from Scott Air force base came through the headphones of Phantom Two Pilot Terrance “Izzy” Richard.
“This is Phantom two, approaching target, weapons armed.” He said, business as usual. “Ready to blast some terrorist ass”
“We don’t know that yet, Phantom two. This could be another dipshit flight school punk who doesn’t realize that a pair of the nation’s best are ready to blow him away for flying in restricted airspace he didn’t even know exist. Try to establish communications first.”
“Copy that,” Richard responded, “we are within range.”
“Do you have visual?”
Richard and
his Weapon Systems Operator,
“This is phantom 3, I can’t see anything.” Terrance’s wingman and friend Bill “TKO” Pentel said across the radio. The two pilots had flown many missions together, Richard often joked that both could name each other’s dogs, anniversaries, and even their usual at the local Chinese place.
“Me neither. Wait. Scratch that” Richard said
Scott Air Force Base
“What?”
“It’s a translucent Pink. . .”
The head
officer kicked the radio officer out of the chair and spoke softly and strongly. “Be very careful what you say next, I would
hate to have to put this on your flight record.” Under his breath, he muttered I do not want to have another meeting with
the 12.
“Understood” Richard added
cutting his description of the object short.
“Unidentified craft you are in restricted airspace, do you copy” Pentel said.
No reply. Two more tries yielded the same results.
“Should we
fly by and try and signal the pilot?”
Pentel asked his wingman
“This is stupid” Richard admitted, “Base, it’s definitely not a civilian. Requesting permission to engage target”
There was a pause, “Permission granted: blow its ass out of the sky!”
“Affirmative”
Richard said with a smile. “You ready
The Airspace over
Combat: what Terrance Richard longed for. He had already completed one tour of duty overseas, and was anxious to get back. He found the rush of battle incomparable, better than sex. Given some of Richards’s experiences off base, that was quite a statement. So here he was, already his adrenal glands pumping. But something was wrong. The target just flew unaware.
“I don’t like this!” Pentel said. “Feels like a . . . “
“Trap” Richard completed his sentence in a deadly whisper. “Let’s get a lock on and get the hell home”
“Captain something’s wrong” The voice behind him alerted. “I can’t get a lock on.”
Richards grip tightened on the planes control. “Guess we will have to do it the old fashion way. Bill, I will attack first, stay back incase I miss.”
“Roger that boss.”
Switching off the missiles guidance system, Richard lined up his target. “Phantom two: Fox 1!”
The AIM 7 Sparrow zoomed toward the still slow moving target. Nanoseconds seemed like hours before the missile reached its target. The missile went through the object like a bullet through pink Jell-O.
“What the
fuck?!” Richard
exclaimed as
“Phantom 2, what’s the situation?” Haunted House asked.
“The missile had no effect! It just went. . . “
“Captain Richard?”
“It’s gone.”
The pink object just vanished, reminding Hostburg of a cloaking Romulan vessel.
Captain Richard’s mood had changed. Goosebumps dominated his arms. The adrenaline seemed to flush from his body, leaving him in a state of fear. He had faced so many things in his career, but nothing had ever made him so afraid.
“WHERE IS IT?” Pentel was just as frantic.
“It’s no longer on radar. Whatever it was, it is gone now,” Hostburg said.
The explosion engulfing Pentel’s fighter rocked Richards’s fighter. Like the flipping of a light switch, Richard was instantly back in fight or flight mode. In his case, it was all flight.
“Phantom 2! What the hell is going on up there?” Commander Martin Randal yelled.
“We are being attacked. I can’t out maneuver it.”
Forgetting his earlier comment Randall had to know, “What is it?”
“It looks like . . .”
“What Captain?”
“The
Outside
A black Mercedes pulled into the driveway. The man began undoing his tie as he exited the car towards the backyard where he saw his wife and 5-year-old son standing. He heard a loud explosion.
“Damn kids, already shooting fireworks and its not even July” Then he chuckled, thinking it was only a few years ago when he himself was guilty of the same pyro fascination.
“Hi honey,” He said kissing her neck. “Hi sport, ready for the game?” patting George’s head.
“Daddy, look” George said staring up at the sky.
“What son?” He followed his son’s glare to see a fighter jet in a dogfight with some pink thing. The fighter was smoking heavily. Holy hell! He thought.
“Daddy, what’s happening?”
“I don’t know, Daddy doesn’t know.”
45 miles from Onarga
The supercharged V8, high performance wheels, power steering, and one “bitchin” sound system (as Ryan put it) of the OGB’s Ecto O-1 was doing absolutely nothing stuck in the middle of a three lane higway surrounded by cars occupied by people who didn’t give a damn about the flashing blue lights or the classic Ecto siren ripped to a CD right from the movies.
“Comeoncomeoncomeon!” Kevin gripped the steering wheel. The day had started slow until a call came in
from the
Kevin looked at the PKE radar on the display screen above the CD player unit. “Well it’s still on radar. My guess is that it’s the reason for the pile up ahead.”
“Son of a bitch!” Josh said pointing from the passenger side. Up ahead the tentacled ghost (Kevin’s initial description was that it looked like a bastard child of a banshee and a matrix sentinel) was hovering above the mass of cars seemingly taunting them.
“I hate it when they get cocky,” Kevin grumbled. “Would you please blast that out the sky?”
Josh was already ahead of him, powering up the Ecto cannon.
“Use the force, Joshie” Ryan piped up from the back seat in a ghostly mimic of Alec Guinness mixed with Professor Frink.
“Shut up” Josh said looking over his shoulder. Ryan sat back and “zipped” his lips with a motion of the hand. Josh turned around and fired a volley of protons, which promptly missed their target.
“I can’t get a clear shot stuck here.” He said.
“Well what are we going to do, we’re stuck?” Ryan asked.
Kevin thought for a minute, “Well they obviously don’t give a damn about sirens, so maybe we can scare the shit out of them.” Kevin looked over at his left at a blue minivan with a middle-aged woman at the wheel. On Josh’s right, a white SUV was being manned by a teenage Eminem wannabe. “Josh, peck on your window and make sure you get their attention, then see that Denny’s billboard. . .” He didn’t even have to finish the thought. Josh got their attention, and when the billboard was engulfed in a mass of accelerated protons, both vehicles got the hell out of the way before Josh even had a chance to fire another shot.
“Well that
wasn’t so hard now was it?” Ryan said
mimicking Dan Aykyroid’s performance of Ray Stanz in
the hollywoodized version of Ghostbusters. Kevin sped out of the traffic and onto the
shoulder.
With bursts of protons getting closer and closer, the ghost started back down the highway, its tentacles pulled back behind it. It zigzagged across the road, dodging proton bursts and taking time to disable more cars, creating obstacles for Kevin to dodge. Josh noticed a tourist filming the chaos with a video camera.
“Well this is going on Real TV,” he said before firing again.
Kevin smirked and turned the wheel avoiding a light pole knocked down by a crashed car. The driver was already out of the car beating the dust out of his mullet.
“Nope, Max X,” Ryan remarked pointing at the “sweet mullet.”
The cars ahead finally were smart enough to pull along the road, which gave Kevin the opportunity to get side by side with the ghost.
“God she’s ugly,” Ryan said.
“Kinda looks like Kristi,” Josh smirked, and then grimaced as Ryan punched him in the shoulder. The ghost, answering opportunity’s call, tried to go through the Ecto’s engine, but bounced off the hood in a wave of sparks. An ungodly howl arose from its rotting mouth.
“Guess we should have told her we had the front end laser protected.” Kevin smiled.
The ghost
dived in front again, but this time headed down a side road toward the
“Hey Kevin!” Ryan yelled, “Can we stop at Janekies?”
“No Ryan, we don’t have time for Chilidogs and Root beer!” Kevin said as the passed by the family run root beer and red-hot stand, turning right. They were only a few blocks from the river.
“Josh, you have got to get it before it reaches the water!”
Josh pulled the trigger as fast as he possibly could, but the agility of the ghost was too much for him.
The river was coming up fast, and he was running out of braking room. There was a small wooden dock, but Kevin didn’t want to risk it.
***
The slightly older Texan was getting his boat ready. He had forced his son to wake up early to clean her up “real good like.” Now he was getting ready to try her out, if his son would get out of the house.
“Son aint you done yet boy?” He yelled.
“I’m a comin daddy.” An older voice called out.
The Texan was wiping off the sides especially the name “Chasin’ Justice,” when he looked up and saw the tentacled ghost coming toward him. He stood up in the boat, and took off his police sunglasses, in enough time to get knocked into the water.
He surfaced in time to see a white station wagon with some weird crap on top break hard and skid sideways shooting a beam that caught the beast that tipped him over.
As he approached the ladder to shore three kids approached from the wagon, with what looked like backpack bombs.
“What in Gods name was that?” He yelled.
“A class five entity, and a strong one at that!” one of them said.
“What the hell you talkin ‘bout boy?”
“A ghost,” the blond haired one said as they began entering the boat.
“Now hold on a second. this here’s my boat!”
“Don’t worry we’ll bring it back, here’s a form,” the first one said leaving a paper on the dock. “It’s perfectly legal.”
Before he could say another word, his boat was gone.
“What happened, Daddy?” his son finally reached the dock, pulling up his father.
“Sum Bitch” The man said spitting water.
The blast had slowed the creature just enough for the guys to cut down the distance separating them. Kevin was at the controls while Josh and Ryan had their packs fired up ready to fire.
“Hey Josh, did that guy remind you of anyone?”
“No, why?”
“Oh, well uh, lets fire!”
“WAIT!” Kevin screamed.
“What now?” Ryan moaned.
“See those houses; the ones the ghost is strafing, the people that live there have lots of money.”
“So?” Josh injected.
“So, they can afford lawyers that could probably eat through all disclaimers. Don’t fire till we are out of the riverfront district.”
So they waited. Ryan couldn’t be sure but he could have sworn the ghost was laughing at them. The chase was considerably long. The ghost stuck to the river long past the district, but still managed to elude them. Even at top speed, the boat wasn’t fast enough. Soon, forest enveloped the shore, and night began to fall. Then the ghost stopped.
“What the hell is it doing?” Josh said in his usual grumbled tone.
“Looks like its charging to me,” Ryan said nonchalantly. Then in a rare moment when his brain actually thought about what he was saying, his eyes widened.
Josh and Ryan fired; Kevin soon joined them, the ghost dived under the boat then emerged at the tail end, taking Justice’s motor with it.
“Ah shit” rolled off everyone’s tongues as the motor splashed down in the water. The ghost meanwhile continued to execute its plan flying high into the air, preparing for a spiral dive. Its encounter so far gave it plenty of knowledge to avoid the beams that the particle accelerators flung at it. However, it had no idea what was about to happen, as it sped towards the boat at a point where a black box with yellow stripes had been placed.
“I can’t believe it,” Kevin said holding the smoking trap. “After all that cunningness, it flew straight into the trap.”
“Well it was a blond, after all” Ryan commented.
“Still it left us without a motor,” Josh added.
Kevin set down the trap and began searching the boat; “Help me to find the flare ...” His face was almost burnt by the glowing flare. Ryan smiled holding the trigger, “gun. God damn it Ryan!”
“What? I saw it on King of the Hill; funny stuff,” Ryan said. Josh just shook his head.
When Kevin finally regained composure, he realized what else Ryan was holding: a can of Pepsi.
“Where did you get that?” he asked realizing his own thirst.
“Right here,” Ryan pointed to a cooler on the boat.
“There are sandwiches too,” Josh said taking a bite of his own.
Forgetting the moment, Kevin set down the trap, grabbed a pop and a sandwich, and plopped down on the captain chair. After enjoying his meal, he sat down the can and stood up. “Well instead of drifting, let’s get the hell home.”
“How?” Ryan asked.
“Get a paddle,” Josh smirked.
“Last time I checked my name wasn’t Mañuel Labor.”
“It doesn’t matter you lazy bastard,” Kevin remarked checking the packs. “Damn, only half charged.”
“Kevin, What, are, you doing?” Josh asked.
Kevin looked up to Josh, “Remember that time you guys strapped on your packs and rollerblades and went out on the highway at 2 in the morning?”
“Yeah that was some good shit,” Josh smiled.
“Don’t forget the part where I almost got ran over by that semi,” Ryan added.
“That’s beside the point. What matters is we can use the streams to get the hell outta here, but . . . “
“But what?” Josh said kneeling down by Kevin.
“We have to keep the streams on low power, if we hope to have enough charge to get back.”
“So?” Ryan asked.
“So, it’s going to take awhile,” Kevin replied.
“What do you mean by, ‘awhile’?” Ryan raised his eyebrow.
Onarga GB HQ
H-O-P-E-B-R-A-D-Y, Becky, scratched into the boxes of her soap opera crossword puzzle. Mellow ‘elevator’ music poured through the building’s sound system.
Becky had arrived at six, but the guys were no where around.
“He’s slept with Dinah (5 letters)” Becky looked at the next clue, “Who hasn’t?” Becky chuckled at her own joke as she scribbled in her answer. Before she could read over the next clue, the old door swung open to reveal three very worn out Ghostbusters.
“Early Morning?” She asked.
“Late ass night,” Josh replied flinging off his web belt and elbow pads.
Kevin set the trap on the desk, to give Becky some papers, “This is our check from the city, minus the cost of getting the car out of impound.”
“Sounds fun,” she replied taking the check and the customer paperwork.
“Ha!” Kevin stated already walking towards the basement stairs picking up the morning paper. “No calls today! PERIOD. I need some sleep.”
Seven Dead in Fighter Jet Collision: Air
Force calling it an unfortunate accident. Damn! Kevin thought reading the grim
headline.
By this
time in his GB career, Kevin could unload a trap into the ECU in his sleep,
which was good because after all that had happened he practically was. In fact he stood there comatoast
for almost fifteen minutes before the intercom crackled waking him up.
~ Kevin, KEVIN, KEVIN! ~ Becky’s voice crackled
“What?” Kevin whined.
~There are two men here to see you. ~
“What part of ‘No calls? Period.’ Don’t you understand?”
~They say they are from the government. ~
“Great, just what I need, a pair of peckerhead wannabes” he mumbled as he stomped up the stairs.
***
“I’m Lt. Jayems; this is Lt. Adams, United States Air force.” One of the two men in dress uniform said as they took their seats in Kevin’s little office area.
“Oh so that is what this is all about,” Kevin started, “Listen I didn’t mean to be rude on the phone but that lady at the recruiting office could not take a hint.”
“No, I am
afraid it is a bit more serious,”
“Sorry, we’re closed today, but I can have Becky arrange an appointment,” Kevin was reaching for the pc mouse to set things up.
Jaymes stopped him, “This can’t wait. It’s a matter of national security.”
“What is ‘IT” exactly?”
The two men looked at each other.
“We aren’t
at liberty to say right now,”
“Then I am
not at liberty to grant my services,” Kevin said getting up and walking towards
the door.
“You know, things aren’t like they used to be. The government can tap you phone, prevent you from ever stepping foot on a plane, and shut you down for practically no reason at all.” He stared down at Kevin, who retook his seat.
Kevin stared back for a moment, he was tired, grumpy and was now being threatened by the federal government. It just wasn’t going to be his day.
“So what’s in it for us?” Kevin asked
“Let’s just say the government is a powerful ally.”
Kevin wiped sleep from the corner of his eye, “Well then I guess we don’t have a choice, but you’re going to have to give me some time to get them ready.”
***
“Josh, wake up. JOSH, WAKE UP!”
Josh groggily opened his eyes, “whaaaat?”
“We have a case.”
“Fuck you,” Josh said rolling away from Kevin.
“It’s for the air force.”
Josh heaved up out of the bed. His eyesight and math might have put a premature end to his piloting career. But this was a golden opportunity and not even heavy fatigue could stop him.
“Well that’s one,” Kevin looked back at the service members. “The next won’t be as easy.”
RYAN!!! Kevin yelled in his ear eliciting barely a movement.
“Hey Dumbass!” Josh yelled pulling his elbow pads back on. Having the same result as Kevin, Josh began shaking him. Kevin grabbed a glass of water and threw it at him: no effect.
Josh grabbed a dowel rod that he and Kevin had ‘dueled’ with and practically cracked it over Ryan’s back. This time Ryan snored a bit. “That’s all I’ve got,’ he said.
“I’ve got an idea,” Kevin said, “Hey Ryan, Kristi is here.”
Ryan bolted out of bed like a bolt of lightning, “Kristi!?”
“Bout damn time,” Josh said going down stairs.
“My back hurts . . . and I am wet,” Ryan moaned and began to get ready.
A half later Ryan was finally done “Stylin’ up” and they were ready to go.
“So can you finally tell us where we are going, or do we have to have bags over our head?” Kevin asked the LT.'s behind the wheel of the Ecto.
“Scott Air force Base.”
“Great,” Kevin said, “just what I need, a four hour drive.” He got out of the car passing Ryan on the way back inside HQ.
“Where you going?” Ryan asked.
“To get some coffee.”
“But you don’t drink coffee.”
“I just started.”
4 hours and 15
coffee/restroom stops later
The Ecto O1 pulled in behind the black SUV at the bases front gate and followed them into the parking lot. They were rushed through security; Commander Randal was waiting for them in the main corridor.
“Gentlemen,”
“BATHROOM!” Ryan exclaimed rushing past Randal and into the nearby facility. The other two exchanged interesting glances with the commander.
5 minutes later
“Sorry everybody!” Ryan exclaimed wiping his hands on his flight suit. “Sir?” He extended his hand to the commander, “Ryan Price.”
Kevin quickly went in front of him, “Kevin Kemarly, CEO Ghostbusters Onarga.”
“Commander Martin Randal, I am sure you must be tired after your trip.”
“Nope,” Ryan said too energetically.
“Well not all of us slept the whole way, but 16 cups of caffeine solved that.” Kevin said with bloodshot eyes.
“Well then, to the briefing room.”
The Briefing Room
“Gentlemen we have a problem,” The commander began, “two jets were . . .
“Shot down
by an aerial phenomenon and you have no idea what to do,” Kevin finished
matter-of-factly yawning.